Can Defiance be a Good Thing?

Whether it’s a negotiation over multiple bedtime stories or a temper tantrum about sharing a toy with a friend, defiant behaviors may become more frequent as your toddler tries to grow more independent.

For your little one, practicing acts of personal autonomy not only facilitates the growth of his or her independence, it also helps to establish the internal compass needed to help your child interact socially.

“Establishing parameters around how to interact with others and behave in public is an important part of social development,” says Rose Rudert, manager of St. Louis Children’s Hospital’s Child Development Center. “Children need to know boundaries exist in order to feel secure.”

According to Rudert, parents can minimize the intensity and frequency of their child’s defiant behavior by reacting lovingly and rationally. By taking a step back and searching out the root of the behavior, parents can constructively diffuse a tense situation and turn it into a positive experience.

“It’s important to determine the cause of your child’s behavior and address it calmly. For instance, if your child is acting out due to an all-day shopping trip that caused him or her to miss a nap, don’t come down too harshly,” Rudert says. “Instead, step back and take a deep breath in order to talk with your child in a calm and loving manner. Encourage your child’s understanding of the issue and give him or her alternative ways to respond to similar situations in the future. The way you react can transform the situation from a negative interaction into a successful learning experience.”