It’s a beautiful summer day, and you and your 3-year-old are enjoying a pleasant afternoon in the park. It’s been a great outing, but it’s getting late, and you have important errands to run. When you explain that you don’t have time to get ice cream as you had hoped, your little angel suddenly becomes inconsolable.
When circumstances do not allow things to go as planned, children can have a difficult time dealing with disappointment. These situations provide the perfect opportunities to promote the importance of setting limits.
By caving in to a tantrum, you may reinforce negative behavior without even realizing it. Be firm with your child and explain that “no means no.”
“It’s important to set limits for children and equally critical to consistently enforce those limits,” says Sharon Rau, RN, community education instructor at St. Louis Children’s Hospital. “You should have a discipline plan and stick with it. Otherwise, how you react to a given situation could depend on your mood. If you’re having a good day, you may not react at all. If you’re having a bad day, it’s possible you may overreact.”
Hold Steady
Children can be confused by inconsistency, such as having a parent grant a privilege to stop negative behavior one time, and then having the parent take a privilege away the next. When children know persistent negative behavior and nagging do not help them get what they want, they will be more likely to accept the rules and limits their parents try to enforce.
“Spend time making a list of the behaviors you want to correct in your child,” Rau says. “Decide how you will react each time those situations occur, and make sure that everyone who is a caregiver for the child responds accordingly.”
Communication is Key
Effectively communicating limits is key. Children, especially young kids, may not always understand why a particular behavior is unacceptable in the eyes of a parent.
“Children do not automatically know the rules of right and wrong,” says Jeffrey Rothweiler, PhD, clinical psychologist at St. Louis Children’s Hospital. “They have no insight into what good and bad behavior are, and they need adults to explain what is and is not appropriate. Setting limits is a great way to encourage proper behavior.”
You could explain to your child, for example, how temper tantrums subtract from the amount of time he or she could spend enjoying other activities. As your child makes progress, try to focus less on pointing out negative actions and concentrate more on acknowledging your child’s success moments. This type of positive discipline helps children focus on doing what is right rather than acting out to get what they want.
“Positive discipline is the idea that if you pay attention to your child’s desirable behavior and give praise for it, you can shape behavior relatively easily and efficiently,” Dr. Rothweiler says. “That’s not to say you will never have to use punishment, but you probably won’t have to use it as often.”
Keep a Healthy Balance
Setting effective limits is an important part of positive discipline, but make sure limits are age-appropriate, and be careful not to set too many—or too few. While setting too few limits can cause a child to become overbearing to get what he or she wants, setting too many limits and constantly pointing out negative behavior can be damaging to a child’s self-image.
“Children like restrictions,” Rau says. “It gives them a feeling of security. Setting limits helps kids know what is expected, gives them a stronger sense of self and helps them develop a balanced perception of right and wrong.”
Through St. Louis Children’s Hospital, Rau offers a presentation called “Beyond ‘Because I Said So,’” which focuses on positive discipline. For more information, call 314.454.KIDS (5437) or toll free 800.678.KIDS.