“Never talk to strangers.” It’s what your parents told you, and it may be what you’ve been telling your children. But the message “never talk to strangers” may actually put your children in jeopardy.
“To get away from a person who is making them feel uncomfortable, children may have to talk to a stranger,” says Michelle Mitchell, Program Coordinator for SLCH Injury Free Coalition for Kids. “If you’ve taught them never to talk to strangers, they may panic and not know what to do.”
So what should you be telling your kids?
Follow the Rules
“Stranger” may be a difficult concept for kids to grasp. But rules are rules. “Keep your rules simple and straightforward,” says Mitchell. “Basic messages are ‘never go anywhere with anyone without permission’ and ‘never let anyone into the house when you’re home alone.’”
These rules are non-negotiable. “Kids need to learn independence, but they should learn with concepts that are developmentally appropriate,” says Nancy Duncan, RN, CPNP with the child protection program at St. Louis Children’s Hospital. “Tell your children, ‘You are never to decide whether or not to go with someone. I decide.’”
What Would You Do?
To be most effective, parents should do more than state the rules. “Present your children with different situations and ask them what they would do,” suggests Duncan . “For example, you could ask, ‘What would you do if someone called for me, and you were home alone?’”
Duncan says parents should listen to their children’s response and make sure it’s on the mark. If it’s not, some direction may be needed. “Talk about how to handle the situation and review the rules,” she explains. “You could suggest a pat answer, like, ‘She’s not available right now. May I take a message?’”
Be Confident
“Predators shy away from confident people, so one of the things we need to do for our kids is instill confidence,” stresses Duncan.
Scaring children with horror stories about kidnappings might terrify them, but it won’t make them more confident. In fact, it may have the opposite effect and cause them to become paralyzed with fear.
Confidence comes when children feel prepared to handle themselves in a variety of situations. “Preparedness for dealing with strangers falls into the same category as fire or earthquake drills,” says Duncan . “It’s not done in a one-hour workshop. It’s done over the course of your child’s life.”
It’s OK to Say ‘No’
“No” is a powerful word, and kids shouldn’t be afraid to use it. “Children sometimes don’t think it’s OK to say ‘no’ to a grownup,” says Mitchell. “They need to know that sometimes it’s not only OK, it’s necessary.”
Role play different situations with your children and let them practice saying “no” so the word will come easily if they need it.
There’s Safety in Numbers
As children grow older, they begin to spend more time with their peers and less time under your direct supervision. When this happens, it’s time to institute a buddy system.
“Navigating on their own is part of children’s natural growth and development,” says Mitchell. “Just make sure your kids are always with a buddy whom you know and trust.”